You and me

Strength-Based Safeguarding

I’ve worked professionally and volunteered at local, regional and national levels with and for babies, children, young people and families for more than 25 years, I have a 23-year-old son, and I have completed two undergraduate degrees and a masters. I’ve also managed to find time to travel, eat well and rest…oh and learn how to roller skate!

None of this should really have been mine though, looking at the data, and the stories I probably should be in prison, addicted to some form of illegal substance or be unemployed but, here I am, and I’ve been given this opportunity to write this piece to and for you. You see whilst this is a narrative about my chaotic, abusive and neglectful childhood and adolescence it is really about you- the reader, because you quite literally are and should be the most important person in your life. Because when you make yourself the most important person, you bring your best self with you everyday and it’s your best self that is, can and will save lives and change futures.

What I hope to achieve in writing this is to lessen your fear of thinking you’re not doing or being enough, enable some creativity in the safeguarding space and encourage each of you to understand your own value and look after yourself.

Me and My early life

I grew up in a chaotic household, I was one of nine children, there were far too many animals in the house and garden, my mother was emotionally erratic at the best of times, emotionally abusive at the worst. My father was controlling, and sexually abused me from the age of 3-13 and then tried to coerce me into sexual exploitation after the abuse stopped when I started my periods. I was always hungry and skinny earning the nickname ‘ribby’ from my siblings and remember eating cat food at the back door and birdseed from the bag. I wet the bed until I was in my teens, I failed to get a ‘C’ in maths, English or science GCSE, I was told the only thing I was good at was ‘looking after children’ (which I have realised is really the only thing worth doing well), I attended the GPs every few weeks between the ages of 7 and 9 with ‘unexplainable’ illnesses, I was left at a Christmas lighting event because no one noticed I wasn’t in the car, I took all my brother’s epileptic medication to the bottom of the garden and waited to see how long it would take for someone to notice I had gone- they didn’t. I was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and a collapsed lung for 3 months which ironically were some of the most stable and consistent days of my childhood. I could never sit still for more than a few minutes because I was never sure what would happen next. All of this and much much more, was how life was for me growing up. I had no choice; I was a child, I didn’t drive, I had no money, and anyway I was afraid of getting lost. I was stuck, unless I was going to be brave enough to take all my brothers tablets this was the life I was born into.

What made the difference?

Given the chaos, the abuse and the neglect then, you may be wondering how I managed it- not to meet all the trajectories that were set out for me. Well, the answer isn’t complicated, there was no knight in shining armour on a white horse, there was no rescue committee banging down the door to take me away but what there was, was something well someone, much more meaningful -there was people like you. The receptionists who took their time to ask my name or how I was, the nursery nurse who was the first person to ever give me a choice- would I like to play with art straws or clay? The nurse who said I could have my medication in tablet form if I didn’t like the taste of the liquid. The porter who made me laugh on the way to the x-ray department, the doctor who didn’t hurt me. The school nurse, the teachers, my friends’ parents, my friends, people I’ve come across in life such as managers who have seen qualities in me that no one had before or professionals who I’ve worked alongside who haven’t given up trying even when I had to. You see, each and every one of these people and the countless more who took time to listen, to hear me, to notice me, to care about me, to be calm, to be consistent, who tried to be better, who didn’t abuse me and who didn’t transfer their own trauma onto me, have all shown me what adults are meant to be like. It was all these little things that over time allowed my brain, my body, my mind and my soul to realise that not all grown-ups were like my parents and that’s what got and still gets me through- well that and my imagination. It was combining the knowledge that an alternative way existed with my imagination that literally saved my life. You see the more times I saw something different to what I knew, the more I could hold on, the more I could feel that if I could just get to being a grown up then, well then it would be different and it was. It definitely hasn’t been easy, and I owe having my son at 18 as a never-ending reason not to give up but, it has been and is different. Now my son is 23 and I have had all these years to put into practice all those things I learnt from the grown ups not like my parents combined with my academic studies and professional practice which means that I am now 100% sure that there is another way. That it doesn’t take miracles or money to make a difference, it takes honesty, care, consistency, commitment and play and I know these things are all things we’re capable of because they reside within each of us and especially within you-the dear reader who has continued to read my words on the page.

Below I have set out some things I would encourage you to keep in mind every day, to remind you that you are, can, will and do make a difference to the babies, children and young people in your life just by being you. Whilst you may not have managed to get a child removed from an abusive parent, or might have had to sit in hours and hours of meetings where everyone argues over funding or processes, or when you’ve stayed late to complete a referral only for it to be rejected and it might all feel hopeless, hang on…don’t give up…take a break yes, but please don’t give up because we need you now more than ever…the children like me hanging on until they can be a grown-up- keep being the best version of you so that one day they can be the best version of themselves too.

The Five Strengths of Safeguarding

• Look after your own wellbeing- it’s not being selfish, it means you’ll hear me when I’m quiet, it means you’ll see me when I’m sad, and it means you’ll say something because I can’t.
• Be brave- safeguarding and child protection are tricky topics, they make us sad, they cause frustration, and they are never as straightforward as they should be but, remember it’s not your job to fix everything- you can’t. What you can do though, is be brave and say ‘you know what, I know it’s not easy for me to do what I need to do, but it’s also not easy for that baby, child, or young person to be survuving what they’re surviving either. So let me do what I can to support, enable and encourage their journey in a better direction than it might otherwise go.’
• Always ask for help- wherever you work, whatever your concern or worry about a child or young person remember you’re not alone. There is always someone there to help you – find out who, remember their name and write their phone number on the back of your badge. Asking that ‘silly question’ might just make a baby or child or young person just a little bit safer today than they were yesterday, and their future a little brighter than it would have been.
• Always take time to write your notes- I know there’s so much to do but one day that child will be an adult, and they can request their notes and if as an adult they read that you tried your best they will feel less alone, they will know someone did try, that they were seen. Knowing and feeling these things might literally mean someone thinks twice about taking their own life which sadly is often a consequence of experiencing abuse and chaos as a child.
• Have fun and be the best version of yourself- what those who are experiencing abuse and chaos need most of all is to laugh, to smile and to play. In those moments the pain is less painful, the sorrow less sad and the chaos a little calmer. Please don’t ever underestimate the positive benefits of a silly joke, a funny face or playful pot of paint – and not just for their sake but for your sake too. When we make someone else smile, laugh, be a little less in pain that feeling is bounced back to us- no where have I felt that more than when interacting with the wiser and more creatively enabled younger generations.

One piece of advice

I know that you’re all working in impossible conditions with insurmountable workloads so lastly, I want to give you one piece of advice that I hope will support, enable and encourage you and those around you to find new ways to play, be present and make the difference I know you want to. Please read the Fish Philosophy book- it was the philosophy the ethos of the first team I ever worked in as a nurse was created from, and all these years later I am still convinced it holds the antidote to the chaos and challenge we’re all facing. Remember you can’t and won’t be able to ‘fix’ everything for a child, and it’s not your fault that what’s happening is happening, but what you can do is work on becoming the best version of you and enabling those around you to do the same. By doing this you can make the babies, children and young people’s lives you interact with (even if only momentarily) the best they can be, for that part of their day, journey and life. If each of us does what we can, plays our part, then slowly but surely their days, their journey and their life will be less filled with abuse, fear and chaos and have elements of fun, laughter, hope, consistency, care, moments of safety and happiness. This is how they’ll know and feel that there’s something worth hanging on for. The joke you tell, the happiness you enable, or the play you provide will become little rays of light in amongst the dark, the fright, the fear and the thoughts of desperation.

So, dear reader it is time for me to finish, to say thank you – not just for the time you’ve taken to read this but for every moment of everyday when you get up, stand up and be the best version of yourself, because without people like you I wouldn’t have become me and without being me I wouldn’t have been the mum I knew I was capable of becoming. I know I didn’t prevent all the intergenerational trauma from being passed down, but I did do what I could to minimise its impact and that’s what we can all do bit by bit-lessen the pain and enable individual empowerment to create collective change. By you being you, and me being me we’re already on the way to changing babies, children and young people’s lives for the better not just for today, but for all future generations to come.

Thank you from Me to You. 

P.S. You still need to do the referrals, the phone calls and the form filling, but remember the little things you do just by being you are already making a difference- you’re already doing it -you’re already safeguarding and protecting the youngest and most vulnerable human beings in our society…Thank you.